Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Not Living Here
March 21, 2004
For the first time this year, water is dripping from the eaves troughs. It is cold enough for these drips to form icicles, and the children across the street have noticed. They have been attempting to knock down the biggest ones by throwing chunks of ice at them. I am so excited about the snow melting from the roof, I find that I don’t mind. Winter is beginning to take its leave and there are preparations to be made.
“Spring is coming” I excitedly post on my blog. I think that if it is warm enough for snow to be melting, then it is warm enough to change the background on my website to include some crocuses and maybe a robin.
Spring…time to start planting seeds indoors… time to plan which room to paint this summer… time to inspect the barbeque and pick up some meat for the upcoming barbeque season. It is also time to clean up the whole house. Once a year, whether it needed it or not. Note to self: make a schedule about yard clean up once the snow recedes.
I sigh, as getting the other inhabitants of this house to do any work is always a challenge. When my children were young, I gave some thought to breaking gender role stereotypes about who does various chores around the house. By insisting that my partner do at least some of the “non-traditional” men’s work, like cooking and cleaning, I was convinced that my daughter and my son would catch on that it’s ok for both genders to do this stuff. Even if they didn’t enjoy these tasks, they would be capable of running a household. Of course, I did my fair share of “gender bender” activities, like taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and even re-shingling our roof one summer.
Now I just try to get them to do their basic, scheduled chores… actually any chore will do. I hate being the chore police, having to constantly nag them and threaten them. It was easier when they were younger.
When my first daughter, Kate, reached age ten, I taught her how to use the washing machine and dryer so that she could begin looking after her own laundry. This went well, so I decided to have the same expectation of her sisters Jo and Emma when they reached that age. Later, when Ed and I moved in together, I made sure that his daughter, Kira age 13 at the time, could do her own laundry as well.
Now, three years later, the girls, whose ages are now 14, 16, 18 and 20, usually manage to get their laundry done each week. Of course, they tend to leave their laundry until they have absolutely no clean socks, underwear, pants or shirts left. Then, they freak out – crying and screaming because there is a line up – because don’t you know, everyone else is doing laundry that night!
We have also set up a schedule for washing dishes so that everyone does one night per week. Of course even when our dishwasher worked, we had problems getting people to remember it was their day, let alone to start doing the dishes before midnight. My partner and I always do the weekend kitchen cleanup so that the kitchen starts off fresh for the week, but by Friday the kitchen deteriorates as one by one, the girls “forget” or make excuses about why they didn’t do their day. So on Saturday morning I start doing the rounds and get each girl to agree to a specific time they will do some dishes that day. This activity often involves weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, mostly on their part. But somehow, by Saturday night, most of the dishes get done.
I want to raise my kids to be capable adults, so they need to be given the opportunity to learn skills to run their own homes one day. Our family is a team, our house is our home, and we all need to work together to keep it a decent place to live. It is also important to me that we treat each other with respect and gratitude for each other’s contributions to our home.
One way that kids (and spouses) will try to get out of doing chores is to say, “But I don’t know how to do that!”
My standard response is, “Then you obviously need to practice.”
Sometimes they will try, “But I HATE doing that”. Then I will say “So do I.”
I find myself remembering a day last week when, I had decided to broach the subject of bathroom cleaning with my now 16 year old step-daughter, Kira. My goal was to get her to agree to clean the main bathroom that she shared with the other girls once a month. Her response surprised even me, the person who has heard every excuse known to teen girls. She replied, “But it’s not like I really live here.”
I was shocked. I was outraged. If she didn’t live here, where was she living? This is not a kid who lives with her “real” mom part-time. Her mom lives across the country in another province. She wasn’t even speaking to her real mom. As far as I know, she hadn’t quit school, gotten a job or moved out during the night to go live with a boyfriend. She didn’t even have a boyfriend. That I knew of. Did she? Hmmm. Need more information.
Trying to stay calm, I asked a few questions to try to clarify her position.
“Do you sleep here?”, I asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you use the bathroom? You know, shower, use the toilet, wash your hands.”
“Yes.” I thought I must be missing something. I asked her if she had stopped eating our food.
“No.” She thought about that one for a moment, and added “but I usually don’t eat breakfast…or lunch.”
Then I asked her if she was still doing her laundry, watching tv, using our computer, and playing video games. She casually said, “Well yeah…of course!”
Her logic seemed to be based on the fact that since she was hanging out at her friends houses a lot, she shouldn’t be expected to clean the bathroom. Because, like, you know, she doesn’t have the time.
I walked away and thought about it for a while. I thought, well… I haven’t been home much lately, what with school, attending evening meetings and keeping in touch with family and friends. And I don’t usually eat breakfast. I seldom remember to pack a lunch from home either. Hell…maybe I don’t live here either.
Fallback position, speak to Ed about getting Kira to clean the bathroom.
For the first time this year, water is dripping from the eaves troughs. It is cold enough for these drips to form icicles, and the children across the street have noticed. They have been attempting to knock down the biggest ones by throwing chunks of ice at them. I am so excited about the snow melting from the roof, I find that I don’t mind. Winter is beginning to take its leave and there are preparations to be made.
“Spring is coming” I excitedly post on my blog. I think that if it is warm enough for snow to be melting, then it is warm enough to change the background on my website to include some crocuses and maybe a robin.
Spring…time to start planting seeds indoors… time to plan which room to paint this summer… time to inspect the barbeque and pick up some meat for the upcoming barbeque season. It is also time to clean up the whole house. Once a year, whether it needed it or not. Note to self: make a schedule about yard clean up once the snow recedes.
I sigh, as getting the other inhabitants of this house to do any work is always a challenge. When my children were young, I gave some thought to breaking gender role stereotypes about who does various chores around the house. By insisting that my partner do at least some of the “non-traditional” men’s work, like cooking and cleaning, I was convinced that my daughter and my son would catch on that it’s ok for both genders to do this stuff. Even if they didn’t enjoy these tasks, they would be capable of running a household. Of course, I did my fair share of “gender bender” activities, like taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and even re-shingling our roof one summer.
Now I just try to get them to do their basic, scheduled chores… actually any chore will do. I hate being the chore police, having to constantly nag them and threaten them. It was easier when they were younger.
When my first daughter, Kate, reached age ten, I taught her how to use the washing machine and dryer so that she could begin looking after her own laundry. This went well, so I decided to have the same expectation of her sisters Jo and Emma when they reached that age. Later, when Ed and I moved in together, I made sure that his daughter, Kira age 13 at the time, could do her own laundry as well.
Now, three years later, the girls, whose ages are now 14, 16, 18 and 20, usually manage to get their laundry done each week. Of course, they tend to leave their laundry until they have absolutely no clean socks, underwear, pants or shirts left. Then, they freak out – crying and screaming because there is a line up – because don’t you know, everyone else is doing laundry that night!
We have also set up a schedule for washing dishes so that everyone does one night per week. Of course even when our dishwasher worked, we had problems getting people to remember it was their day, let alone to start doing the dishes before midnight. My partner and I always do the weekend kitchen cleanup so that the kitchen starts off fresh for the week, but by Friday the kitchen deteriorates as one by one, the girls “forget” or make excuses about why they didn’t do their day. So on Saturday morning I start doing the rounds and get each girl to agree to a specific time they will do some dishes that day. This activity often involves weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth, mostly on their part. But somehow, by Saturday night, most of the dishes get done.
I want to raise my kids to be capable adults, so they need to be given the opportunity to learn skills to run their own homes one day. Our family is a team, our house is our home, and we all need to work together to keep it a decent place to live. It is also important to me that we treat each other with respect and gratitude for each other’s contributions to our home.
One way that kids (and spouses) will try to get out of doing chores is to say, “But I don’t know how to do that!”
My standard response is, “Then you obviously need to practice.”
Sometimes they will try, “But I HATE doing that”. Then I will say “So do I.”
I find myself remembering a day last week when, I had decided to broach the subject of bathroom cleaning with my now 16 year old step-daughter, Kira. My goal was to get her to agree to clean the main bathroom that she shared with the other girls once a month. Her response surprised even me, the person who has heard every excuse known to teen girls. She replied, “But it’s not like I really live here.”
I was shocked. I was outraged. If she didn’t live here, where was she living? This is not a kid who lives with her “real” mom part-time. Her mom lives across the country in another province. She wasn’t even speaking to her real mom. As far as I know, she hadn’t quit school, gotten a job or moved out during the night to go live with a boyfriend. She didn’t even have a boyfriend. That I knew of. Did she? Hmmm. Need more information.
Trying to stay calm, I asked a few questions to try to clarify her position.
“Do you sleep here?”, I asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you use the bathroom? You know, shower, use the toilet, wash your hands.”
“Yes.” I thought I must be missing something. I asked her if she had stopped eating our food.
“No.” She thought about that one for a moment, and added “but I usually don’t eat breakfast…or lunch.”
Then I asked her if she was still doing her laundry, watching tv, using our computer, and playing video games. She casually said, “Well yeah…of course!”
Her logic seemed to be based on the fact that since she was hanging out at her friends houses a lot, she shouldn’t be expected to clean the bathroom. Because, like, you know, she doesn’t have the time.
I walked away and thought about it for a while. I thought, well… I haven’t been home much lately, what with school, attending evening meetings and keeping in touch with family and friends. And I don’t usually eat breakfast. I seldom remember to pack a lunch from home either. Hell…maybe I don’t live here either.
Fallback position, speak to Ed about getting Kira to clean the bathroom.
