Saturday, November 06, 2004
Sex, Lies and MSN
February 14, 2004
“Happy Valentines Day!” I post on my website, with appropriate hearts, flowers and cupids.
Ahhh…love is in the air. My son Ben arrives home from the daycare with a sack full of valentines and we go through each one together, admiring the pictures and sweet declarations of love he has received from several seven year old girls in his class. He asks me if I got any valentines yet, and when I admit that I am not as popular as he is, he rushes off to his room, and returns a little while later, having changed the names on three of his valentines, and gives them to me. He has scrawled “love Ben” across them, adding some x’s and o’s.
As I start the water to boil for pasta, I wonder who will home for dinner on this most auspicious of days. Our basic rule is that if you are home by 6 pm, you have a chance at getting a meal. I take a mental count of who has a boyfriend right now, which would mean that there is a chance that they have gone out to celebrate their relationship.
Kate is definitely in love, and so is probably not here. I check her room, her work clothes are lying over her chair, so she has been here, even if only briefly. This had been an exciting six months for Kate, as she met her soulmate at a party at the end of last summer. It must be over six months now that she has been seeing Aidan.
Always a shy child, Kate had not dated at all during her high school years. She did not enjoy attending parties, preferring the company of one or two girl friends or a good book. You can imagine my surprise during the Christmas holidays, when Kate approached me about having Aidan sleep over.
Overall, I have been very lucky that our kids didn’t rush off to have sex at a young age. What with statistics showing that half of grade ten students have had sex, I would say we are very lucky. I am pretty open minded, and we have always had an open relationship where we can talk about pretty much anything. I was able to express my feelings to Kate quite comfortably, and started off by stating that I respect the fact that she is 19, and so is an adult able to make her own decisions about having sex.
I also mentioned that I was concerned about Aidan’s parent’s views on this, as he is over a year younger than Kate. In addition, I was concerned about the message that we are giving to her younger sisters. As well, I brought up the subject of birth control and STDs. Kate informed me that she had already gone to the clinic at the university to get the information she needed in this area. Finally, I half-joked that if he was going to stay over often, then he would have to pay rent. I left it with her that if his parents gave permission, I was ok with it.
The first few times that Aidan slept over, we worked out the bugs. Like, I wanted to be informed when he was sleeping over so that I wouldn’t walk around half-naked in the early morning hours while putting the dog out and bump into him. I was thinking of his sensibilities more than mine with this request. On another occasion, my partner and I were awakened to the whooping and screaming of Kate and Aidan having a shower together at 3 am. This incident did not impress me, and it was followed up by a going over of what behaviour is just inconsiderate. It did feel weird though, talking to my child about her sexual habits.
Next on my checklist is Jo, who quite unlike her sister, has dated dozens of boys over the past few years, but none seriously. Most of these boys seemed to be named Mike or Mark. In fact last summer, we had Mark 1 and Mark 2 overlapping. It seemed like anytime they started wanting to make out, she dropped them. Which is fine with me. As far as I knew, she did not have a boyfriend at this time, but she had many friends who were “boys”. It was 50/50 whether she would be home for dinner.
Kira definitely did not have a boyfriend, and if you even suggested that she might, she would bite your head off. She generally likes hanging out downtown with her select group of friends, which includes some guys and girls she knows from school. Interestingly enough, last weekend, Kira approached me about a friend who might be pregnant. She asked for information about the abortion clinic which is in a secret location downtown.
I was a bit confused by her request. On the one hand, Kira knows that I used to be a youth worker, and so I had this type of information. I was actually pretty amused that she would come to me for this information, when she generally likes to act like I am the idiot that her father has chosen to live with. Either way, I decided that if she had the guts to ask, I should give her the information that she, or her“ friend, needed.
In the end, I decide I might as well cook for a crowd, as you never know who will show up for dinner here. Emma shows up, grumbling about homework that her grade 8 teacher gave them at the last minute. She did not get any valentines and looks like she may burst into tears when I say “Happy Valentines Day!” to her.
After dinner has long been cleaned up, Jo shows up around 9 pm. I have put Ben to bed and settled in at my laptop to answer the days e-mails. After a few minutes, Emma’s MSN name pops up on my screen.
“Hi mommy” she writes.
“How was your day?” I ask her.
In case you haven’t ever done this, it is really quite fun to talk to your child who is sitting down the hall via the internet. Not only do they feel comfortable talking with the technology, and are more prone to actually have a real conversation with you, it is functional, you can even talk to more than one of them at a time.
“Pretty good. I made some new posters for the store today” she states.
Jo has been working since last August at the Comic Book Shop, and so is the envy of all other teens we know. At age 18, she is well liked by her co-workers and the many boys who come into that particular store. Lately, she has been using her artistic skills to draw posters to advertise the shop to high school students.
“Cool” I reply.
“Did you meet anyone new today?” I ask.
“Well… actually yes” she replies.
“Actually I met this guy who is so sweet!”
There is a pause for a few minutes. I don’t notice as I am reading e-mails while Ed changes the sheets on our bed.
“He is a bit older than me though”
I stop what I am doing and wonder… hmmm…. How much older?
“How much older?” I asked.
“Well… I don’t know really, he didn’t say his age or anything…”
I was rapidly running possible age ranges through my head. Jo was 17… so I thought she might think someone was “older” if they were over 20.
“Like 20?” I probed.
“mmmm…. maybe more”
“Like 25?” I guessed.
“I don’t know for sure…”
I was starting to panic. One of Jo’s friends had had a bad experience a few months earlier when she dated a guy who was around 24. He came with a lot of baggage, including two children from a previous relationship.
“OK, so he might be between 25-30?”
I decided to run through the standard list of questions.
“Does he have a job?”
“Yes!”
“Where?”
“He works on computers for the government…”
“Where did you meet him?”
“At the recording studio last weekend where I was doing the backup singing”
Jo had been performing in a band for almost a year and had been invited to sing back up for another band.
“Why was he there?”
“He is a musician and friend of the guy I know…”
Whoever that is, I thought. (More here is needed)
“Does he have any kids?”
“No!”
“How do you know that he doesn’t have kids?”
“I don’t know….”
“He is almost 30! He could have a criminal record…”
“NO WAY”
“What do you really know about him? He could be an axe murderer”
“STOP IT!”
“He could have STDs”
“NO WAY”
“But how do you know? He is going to want to have sex – he wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t expect that from a girlfriend”
“MOM!!! I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM!”
“Well… what will you do when he pressures you?”
For a long time she doesn’t answer. I think maybe I have pushed it too far. Am I just too overprotective? Can I salvage this conversation?
“So… how would you feel about inviting him over to meet me sometime?”
“I’ll think about it….”
“I don’t have such a problem with the age thing… as long as he is a decent person… and you won’t know that until you get to know him over time.”
“I just don’t want to invite him over to get teased by everyone… its too crowded here”
“Well, maybe we could have him over one night when there isn’t such a crowd”
“that would be ok…”
Later that night, I wander around the house turning off lights, letting the puppy out one final time. I find Jo curled up asleep on the sofa, with the light of the tv playing over her face. As she hugs the pillow, I am taken back to the time when as a small girl, she would fall asleep pretty much everywhere she went. Sometimes I really miss that little girl.
“Happy Valentines Day!” I post on my website, with appropriate hearts, flowers and cupids.
Ahhh…love is in the air. My son Ben arrives home from the daycare with a sack full of valentines and we go through each one together, admiring the pictures and sweet declarations of love he has received from several seven year old girls in his class. He asks me if I got any valentines yet, and when I admit that I am not as popular as he is, he rushes off to his room, and returns a little while later, having changed the names on three of his valentines, and gives them to me. He has scrawled “love Ben” across them, adding some x’s and o’s.
As I start the water to boil for pasta, I wonder who will home for dinner on this most auspicious of days. Our basic rule is that if you are home by 6 pm, you have a chance at getting a meal. I take a mental count of who has a boyfriend right now, which would mean that there is a chance that they have gone out to celebrate their relationship.
Kate is definitely in love, and so is probably not here. I check her room, her work clothes are lying over her chair, so she has been here, even if only briefly. This had been an exciting six months for Kate, as she met her soulmate at a party at the end of last summer. It must be over six months now that she has been seeing Aidan.
Always a shy child, Kate had not dated at all during her high school years. She did not enjoy attending parties, preferring the company of one or two girl friends or a good book. You can imagine my surprise during the Christmas holidays, when Kate approached me about having Aidan sleep over.
Overall, I have been very lucky that our kids didn’t rush off to have sex at a young age. What with statistics showing that half of grade ten students have had sex, I would say we are very lucky. I am pretty open minded, and we have always had an open relationship where we can talk about pretty much anything. I was able to express my feelings to Kate quite comfortably, and started off by stating that I respect the fact that she is 19, and so is an adult able to make her own decisions about having sex.
I also mentioned that I was concerned about Aidan’s parent’s views on this, as he is over a year younger than Kate. In addition, I was concerned about the message that we are giving to her younger sisters. As well, I brought up the subject of birth control and STDs. Kate informed me that she had already gone to the clinic at the university to get the information she needed in this area. Finally, I half-joked that if he was going to stay over often, then he would have to pay rent. I left it with her that if his parents gave permission, I was ok with it.
The first few times that Aidan slept over, we worked out the bugs. Like, I wanted to be informed when he was sleeping over so that I wouldn’t walk around half-naked in the early morning hours while putting the dog out and bump into him. I was thinking of his sensibilities more than mine with this request. On another occasion, my partner and I were awakened to the whooping and screaming of Kate and Aidan having a shower together at 3 am. This incident did not impress me, and it was followed up by a going over of what behaviour is just inconsiderate. It did feel weird though, talking to my child about her sexual habits.
Next on my checklist is Jo, who quite unlike her sister, has dated dozens of boys over the past few years, but none seriously. Most of these boys seemed to be named Mike or Mark. In fact last summer, we had Mark 1 and Mark 2 overlapping. It seemed like anytime they started wanting to make out, she dropped them. Which is fine with me. As far as I knew, she did not have a boyfriend at this time, but she had many friends who were “boys”. It was 50/50 whether she would be home for dinner.
Kira definitely did not have a boyfriend, and if you even suggested that she might, she would bite your head off. She generally likes hanging out downtown with her select group of friends, which includes some guys and girls she knows from school. Interestingly enough, last weekend, Kira approached me about a friend who might be pregnant. She asked for information about the abortion clinic which is in a secret location downtown.
I was a bit confused by her request. On the one hand, Kira knows that I used to be a youth worker, and so I had this type of information. I was actually pretty amused that she would come to me for this information, when she generally likes to act like I am the idiot that her father has chosen to live with. Either way, I decided that if she had the guts to ask, I should give her the information that she, or her“ friend, needed.
In the end, I decide I might as well cook for a crowd, as you never know who will show up for dinner here. Emma shows up, grumbling about homework that her grade 8 teacher gave them at the last minute. She did not get any valentines and looks like she may burst into tears when I say “Happy Valentines Day!” to her.
After dinner has long been cleaned up, Jo shows up around 9 pm. I have put Ben to bed and settled in at my laptop to answer the days e-mails. After a few minutes, Emma’s MSN name pops up on my screen.
“Hi mommy” she writes.
“How was your day?” I ask her.
In case you haven’t ever done this, it is really quite fun to talk to your child who is sitting down the hall via the internet. Not only do they feel comfortable talking with the technology, and are more prone to actually have a real conversation with you, it is functional, you can even talk to more than one of them at a time.
“Pretty good. I made some new posters for the store today” she states.
Jo has been working since last August at the Comic Book Shop, and so is the envy of all other teens we know. At age 18, she is well liked by her co-workers and the many boys who come into that particular store. Lately, she has been using her artistic skills to draw posters to advertise the shop to high school students.
“Cool” I reply.
“Did you meet anyone new today?” I ask.
“Well… actually yes” she replies.
“Actually I met this guy who is so sweet!”
There is a pause for a few minutes. I don’t notice as I am reading e-mails while Ed changes the sheets on our bed.
“He is a bit older than me though”
I stop what I am doing and wonder… hmmm…. How much older?
“How much older?” I asked.
“Well… I don’t know really, he didn’t say his age or anything…”
I was rapidly running possible age ranges through my head. Jo was 17… so I thought she might think someone was “older” if they were over 20.
“Like 20?” I probed.
“mmmm…. maybe more”
“Like 25?” I guessed.
“I don’t know for sure…”
I was starting to panic. One of Jo’s friends had had a bad experience a few months earlier when she dated a guy who was around 24. He came with a lot of baggage, including two children from a previous relationship.
“OK, so he might be between 25-30?”
I decided to run through the standard list of questions.
“Does he have a job?”
“Yes!”
“Where?”
“He works on computers for the government…”
“Where did you meet him?”
“At the recording studio last weekend where I was doing the backup singing”
Jo had been performing in a band for almost a year and had been invited to sing back up for another band.
“Why was he there?”
“He is a musician and friend of the guy I know…”
Whoever that is, I thought. (More here is needed)
“Does he have any kids?”
“No!”
“How do you know that he doesn’t have kids?”
“I don’t know….”
“He is almost 30! He could have a criminal record…”
“NO WAY”
“What do you really know about him? He could be an axe murderer”
“STOP IT!”
“He could have STDs”
“NO WAY”
“But how do you know? He is going to want to have sex – he wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t expect that from a girlfriend”
“MOM!!! I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM!”
“Well… what will you do when he pressures you?”
For a long time she doesn’t answer. I think maybe I have pushed it too far. Am I just too overprotective? Can I salvage this conversation?
“So… how would you feel about inviting him over to meet me sometime?”
“I’ll think about it….”
“I don’t have such a problem with the age thing… as long as he is a decent person… and you won’t know that until you get to know him over time.”
“I just don’t want to invite him over to get teased by everyone… its too crowded here”
“Well, maybe we could have him over one night when there isn’t such a crowd”
“that would be ok…”
Later that night, I wander around the house turning off lights, letting the puppy out one final time. I find Jo curled up asleep on the sofa, with the light of the tv playing over her face. As she hugs the pillow, I am taken back to the time when as a small girl, she would fall asleep pretty much everywhere she went. Sometimes I really miss that little girl.
