Sunday, January 09, 2005
Decisions for Zoe
Zoe is my baby girl. She was lucky to attend an "alternative school" which we have here in Ottawa where her older sisters had attended. Zoe spent kindergarten and grades 1-3 there very happily with the best teachers in the world. We did notice some symptoms of anxiety when she was about 7, in grade 2, and we took her to see the psychiatrist that her father was seeing and her older sister had seen. Basically the treatment was talking and cognitive therapy.
Then she had the worst year of her life in grade 4, with a military style, yelling screaming, aggressive teacher. Not that Zoe ever got yelled at - she was a timid, shy little girl... but she got to "watch" many other kids get treated like dirt. By the end of the year, she was having panic attacks every day - crying, hiding from the teacher, and generally refusing to go to school.
I went and talked to the principal about it several times that year. I had been involved on the School Council for over 10 years so I had a good relationship with many of the teachers and the principal. But, he said he couldn't help us. He couldn't move her from that class. He couldn't make sure that Zoe wasn't in her class again the next year. (In an alternative school, generally the kids stay with the teachers for several years in a row, and usually it is to their benefit to be in multi-grade classes). Basically, he told me that the only way to deal with Zoe was to get her on medication for her anxiety attacks.
I didn't know what to do. I tried talking to my ex about it. My ex has his own problems and basically does not agree with homeschooling. He had been totally unsupportive of me allowing our oldest daughter Dorothy to homeschool for high school since the year before. He basically said to me, "Zoe has to learn that the world is a shitty place". (Remember, Zoe was 8 years old at the time)
So, I made the decision to homeschool Zoe. I had several friends already homeschooling, including a good friend a block away with a girl the same age. As a single parent at the time, I was attending school part-time at night trying to finish my undergraduate degree and working from home part-time. My friend and I agreed to share homeschooling and child care duties as she had to work part-time too. So Zoe went to her house two half- days a week, and her two kids (one who was 8 and one who was 3, the same age as my son Owen) came over one day each week.
We spent a wonderful year together. We were lucky because Zoe is brilliant, and the academics were no problem. Her weaknesses were in social skills, so we spent alot of time participating in small groups like theatre, a drop-in lunch group, crafts and swimming. I included Zoe in every decision that was made about her homeschooling - we worked together to try to help her develop coping skills in groups of other children and with adults. She just didn't have strong skills or confidence to make friends with any other kids. After some time, Zoe asked me if she could try taking medicine to help her feel better. I reluctantly agreed to try this route.
To make a long story short, Zoe took Paxil for almost 3 years. Yes, it took away her panic attacks and allowed her to return to school part-time. She went to school half time from grade 6-8 when we were able to find a sympathetic principal in a local school who had experience with anxiety disorders. But she really hated taking drugs. So by the end of grade 7, she decided to take herself off of the medication - it took us about 5 months to really get her off the meds - we had thought it could be done over the summer - but finally by Christmas, she was med-free. A little shaky, but ok. She finished grade 8 and decided she wanted to go to high school. One of the neatest things was to see her at her grade 8 graduation with friends.
Now she is 14 and in grade 9. She has had an amazing first semester and is about to write exams. She has made more friends there, and is doing well at school. But she is still deeply unhappy with actually being there, and sometimes cries and talks about homeschooling. I have told her that there is no problem - if she wants to stay home, she can, but it is her decision. We are looking at her attending part-time again next semester (starting in February).
Then she had the worst year of her life in grade 4, with a military style, yelling screaming, aggressive teacher. Not that Zoe ever got yelled at - she was a timid, shy little girl... but she got to "watch" many other kids get treated like dirt. By the end of the year, she was having panic attacks every day - crying, hiding from the teacher, and generally refusing to go to school.
I went and talked to the principal about it several times that year. I had been involved on the School Council for over 10 years so I had a good relationship with many of the teachers and the principal. But, he said he couldn't help us. He couldn't move her from that class. He couldn't make sure that Zoe wasn't in her class again the next year. (In an alternative school, generally the kids stay with the teachers for several years in a row, and usually it is to their benefit to be in multi-grade classes). Basically, he told me that the only way to deal with Zoe was to get her on medication for her anxiety attacks.
I didn't know what to do. I tried talking to my ex about it. My ex has his own problems and basically does not agree with homeschooling. He had been totally unsupportive of me allowing our oldest daughter Dorothy to homeschool for high school since the year before. He basically said to me, "Zoe has to learn that the world is a shitty place". (Remember, Zoe was 8 years old at the time)
So, I made the decision to homeschool Zoe. I had several friends already homeschooling, including a good friend a block away with a girl the same age. As a single parent at the time, I was attending school part-time at night trying to finish my undergraduate degree and working from home part-time. My friend and I agreed to share homeschooling and child care duties as she had to work part-time too. So Zoe went to her house two half- days a week, and her two kids (one who was 8 and one who was 3, the same age as my son Owen) came over one day each week.
We spent a wonderful year together. We were lucky because Zoe is brilliant, and the academics were no problem. Her weaknesses were in social skills, so we spent alot of time participating in small groups like theatre, a drop-in lunch group, crafts and swimming. I included Zoe in every decision that was made about her homeschooling - we worked together to try to help her develop coping skills in groups of other children and with adults. She just didn't have strong skills or confidence to make friends with any other kids. After some time, Zoe asked me if she could try taking medicine to help her feel better. I reluctantly agreed to try this route.
To make a long story short, Zoe took Paxil for almost 3 years. Yes, it took away her panic attacks and allowed her to return to school part-time. She went to school half time from grade 6-8 when we were able to find a sympathetic principal in a local school who had experience with anxiety disorders. But she really hated taking drugs. So by the end of grade 7, she decided to take herself off of the medication - it took us about 5 months to really get her off the meds - we had thought it could be done over the summer - but finally by Christmas, she was med-free. A little shaky, but ok. She finished grade 8 and decided she wanted to go to high school. One of the neatest things was to see her at her grade 8 graduation with friends.
Now she is 14 and in grade 9. She has had an amazing first semester and is about to write exams. She has made more friends there, and is doing well at school. But she is still deeply unhappy with actually being there, and sometimes cries and talks about homeschooling. I have told her that there is no problem - if she wants to stay home, she can, but it is her decision. We are looking at her attending part-time again next semester (starting in February).
