Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Parental Dilemmas
Over the weekend we had a young man visiting us from Rochester, New York. I met this guy in NYC when I was there for 5 days in April for a conference. I liked him so much I invited him to visit sometime and he took me up on the invitation. He is over 18, so I had no problem letting him stay at our home while he was visiting youth he knew in Ottawa. Although I am a youth advisor at our church I invited him outside of that role.
A problem developed when the girl that he most interested in (who is 17) asked if she could sleep over at our place. I told her that I was ok with it if she got permission from her parents. When her mother found out that her daughter wanted to sleep over, she said she was not comfortable with this. I said fine. But it was not fine, as the girl was upset about it (and so was the mother). I talked to the girl and told her that she should respect her mother's wishes - and that in another year or two she would be out on her own and able to make all of her own decisions.
Then on Sunday, her mother approached me at church and expressed her concern about the situation. It was awkward, as she thought I should have taken her side in expressing to her daughter that it was inappropriate for her to sleep over with a boy at my place. I tried to explain that in my role as youth advisor, it was not appropriate for me to take her side or have any say about discipline between her and her mother. We are supposed to be mentors, adult friends etc., not authority figures.
During the conversation, I kept trying to say "I know it's hard..." and she kept interrupting me, saying "It is NOT hard. I find it very easy to be clear about my values and expectations". What I was trying to say was "I know it is hard (difficult) as a parent to allow our young adult children to grow up, make decisions for themselves (often what we see as wrong decisions), and make mistakes (and thus learn from them)." I also wanted to say that I know from my own experience as a parent that often it is difficult to trust our children to administrate their own lives. But I do believe that we have to have faith in them, give them all the moral support we can and send them out into the world.
I also know from experience that if a youth (or young adult) is going to choose to have sex, drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs, they can do it at any time of day, in any place they choose, and that having a curfew is not going to make them any safer or keep them from doing any of the above.
I choose to educate my children as much as I can, which may include giving them information, resources and also give them a safe space to try new things. So, yes, my children have been allowed to taste alcohol in their teen years, and by age 17, I would allow them to have one drink with dinner with our family if they want to try it. As well, I will allow a boyfriend to sleep over in our home... mind you, my kids are extremely well educated about their sexual health - and I know that because of this, so far, my two oldest daughters did not choose to have sex until they were at least 19. In fact, neither of them had a serious boyfriend until they were over 18. Now perhaps this is just random luck on our part, but I do have faith in my kids' wisdom.
I wish more parents did.
A problem developed when the girl that he most interested in (who is 17) asked if she could sleep over at our place. I told her that I was ok with it if she got permission from her parents. When her mother found out that her daughter wanted to sleep over, she said she was not comfortable with this. I said fine. But it was not fine, as the girl was upset about it (and so was the mother). I talked to the girl and told her that she should respect her mother's wishes - and that in another year or two she would be out on her own and able to make all of her own decisions.
Then on Sunday, her mother approached me at church and expressed her concern about the situation. It was awkward, as she thought I should have taken her side in expressing to her daughter that it was inappropriate for her to sleep over with a boy at my place. I tried to explain that in my role as youth advisor, it was not appropriate for me to take her side or have any say about discipline between her and her mother. We are supposed to be mentors, adult friends etc., not authority figures.
During the conversation, I kept trying to say "I know it's hard..." and she kept interrupting me, saying "It is NOT hard. I find it very easy to be clear about my values and expectations". What I was trying to say was "I know it is hard (difficult) as a parent to allow our young adult children to grow up, make decisions for themselves (often what we see as wrong decisions), and make mistakes (and thus learn from them)." I also wanted to say that I know from my own experience as a parent that often it is difficult to trust our children to administrate their own lives. But I do believe that we have to have faith in them, give them all the moral support we can and send them out into the world.
I also know from experience that if a youth (or young adult) is going to choose to have sex, drink alcohol, smoke or use drugs, they can do it at any time of day, in any place they choose, and that having a curfew is not going to make them any safer or keep them from doing any of the above.
I choose to educate my children as much as I can, which may include giving them information, resources and also give them a safe space to try new things. So, yes, my children have been allowed to taste alcohol in their teen years, and by age 17, I would allow them to have one drink with dinner with our family if they want to try it. As well, I will allow a boyfriend to sleep over in our home... mind you, my kids are extremely well educated about their sexual health - and I know that because of this, so far, my two oldest daughters did not choose to have sex until they were at least 19. In fact, neither of them had a serious boyfriend until they were over 18. Now perhaps this is just random luck on our part, but I do have faith in my kids' wisdom.
I wish more parents did.
